Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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