I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
