K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
bring money and cleavage
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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