I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
