You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
