true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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