I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I smell like Dick and happiness
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
