Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
