As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
