so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
