you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
