My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
