Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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