Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
