Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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