just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
