your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
