I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
