My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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