last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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