I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
high people should be assigned attendants
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
