you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
