Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
