smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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