A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
