I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
