there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
