dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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