when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
