Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
