my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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