hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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