after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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