I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
