he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
