Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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