You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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