I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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