Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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