i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
