You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
