Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
