Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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