I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
two words: eviction party
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
