i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
