They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
