my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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