this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
