Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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