I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
