I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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