Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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